Answer to my excuses

[ostarella]

Once again, I've spent the day not getting a lot accomplished - other than fretting over the many things I need to get accomplished. I've come to a  conclusion about this dilemma.

I am not meant to lead a regimented life. Having to be at work at a given time, having to sleep during a certain time frame, having to set a time limit on projects due to the first two - not for me. I just don't work that way. Not any more.

When I was raising my son, my life was highly regimented. Ask any single parent - it has to be. Not only because there's no partner to share the responsibilities with, but because you're focused on creating and maintaining as "normal" a life-style as possible for your kid(s), a routine they can count on. And so I was extremely organized - I had friends comment on how amazed they were that I could find any warranty, any canceled check, any item of clothing or toy at the drop of a hat. Laundry was regimented - Monday was white clothes - thrown in the washer before I left for work, tossed in the dryer when I got home, folded and put away before I went to bed. Tuesday was dark clothes, Wednesday light clothes, etc etc. The first of each month I wrote up a daily menu - all three meals for each day of the month, so I knew exactly what I had to get for groceries, what to pull out of the freezer the night before.

Organized Woman.

As my son grew up, my father became ill, and after his death, my mother. A new kind of regimentation - doctor appointments, hospital stays, pills given at certain times in certain dosages...It all had to be on schedule. Taking care of my son, my parent, two households, a job - Efficiency and organization was not only necessary - it was a matter of survival.

I've been on my own now for several years, and working only sporadically as finances necessitated. My days are all my own. I go to sleep when I'm tired, I eat when I'm hungry...I wake up each day and *wonder* what I *want* to do that day. Sure, there are things that *need* to get done - but on the day I choose, at the time I choose. And having to suddenly go back to that scheduled life, even if it is only for a few weeks at a time, is disturbing and irritating to me. And guilt-ridden. I *should* have gotten this done today; I *should* be working on that now. Because if I don't, soon it will be time to get ready for work and it won't have gotten done!

I start on a project and I like to keep working on it until it's either done, or I've exhausted myself. I can't do that when I have to sleep at a certain time or risk falling asleep at work or driving home. I can't do that when I have to stop at a certain time because I have to go to work. And when I would normally be taking my morning constitutional around the yard, cup of coffee in one hand and cigar in the other - I'm finishing up the last rush of the work day before first shift comes onboard.

Maybe age has something to do with it. Or maybe I've finally learned what's really important in life - time. Not time as regimented by the clock, but time as in "stop and smell the roses". There are more important things than having the white clothes done on Monday, than knowing the night before what you'll be eating the next day.

So instead of fretting about what I didn't get done today, I'm going to say "Okay. There are two days of the week I don't have to worry about time. Those are the days I will work on the big projects, the ones I want to deal with on *my time*. The rest of the week, I'll do the little projects, and relax and enjoy the time I have available. And when this stint is done, and all my time is *mine* - I'll appreciate it even more.

So stories will get worked on a little bit here, a little bit there - and probably faster than when I was trying to write while thinking I should be doing something else more constructive. And I will enjoy my days off more, knowing that more are coming, and soon. And I will enjoy them that much more, knowing they are a gift.

Comments

[billy-shriner.livejournal.com]

I think you are taking the right approach ;o)

I've found that I've been using my time to do the things I enjoy (i.e. sit here and type/write/read) but I need to be doing other things, that real life expects, and it was building up and building up. So I'm going to try and make sure my afternoons (when and if I get free time) are spent doing some of those jobs, rather than sitting here - at least whilst it's summer :D

This afternoon however, I got a lot of work done, with the kids around my ankles, and my stress levels had rose, I had to sit down. Although I did do some real life work too, on my pc, I also got a bit of reading done.

[ostarella.livejournal.com]

Yeah - I mean, there are things that have to be done, but I think it's important to realize that some things only fall into that category because other people think they do ;-) We have a responsibility not only to do the necessary, but to do the enjoyable - and share that idea with our kids :D

[billy-shriner.livejournal.com]

Oh I know I've got to get them done, as they are things for me.

When I need a pick me up, I definitely go for the enjoyable category, and start reading/writing on here :D

[bevimoo.livejournal.com]

I envy you. I remember you posted a little while ago about being free of the burden of possessions and 'stuff'. I meant to comment at the time, but I just thought "Good God, how cool would that be?". My flat is full of crap, and I do mean crap. I'm a typical Gemini, totally split personality. One half of me would be quite happy in camper van travelling around Australia. The other half of me wants all the 'stuff'. I don't have a career, or proper job, and so I feel I want or need one. Time is one thing that I don't have enough of and yet am totally wasteful of when I do get some. I never get a chance to properly join in conversations online, reply to emails in depth or leave more than a couple of sentence replies to posts on forums/journals. I work long hours and I'm so robbed of time that when I get a day off I turn into a vegetable. The flat is always a mess, I can't bear to spend my precious time on it
(or the other necessities like shopping, laundry or cooking). Maybe I'm just lazy. Anyway, it sounds to me like you have a healthy work/life balance and you've earned it. :)

[ostarella.livejournal.com]

I think it took some very harsh experiences for me to realize where my priorities should be - lost my house, my possessions - then, after a period of obviously being devastated, I realized that with few exceptions (photos, personal mementos)I really didn't need most of what I'd lost. The only real thing I'd hate to lose is my computer, just for the writing and communicating. Otherwise, I could easily haul everything I need in a backpack. And it's so refreshing, so freeing. It just takes "letting go" - much easier said than done - until you do it ;-)

[beckyblack]

I do tend to be terribly organised about my time, though I make my schedule around my writing time. I have to learn to relax and go with the flow more. I especially have to learn to chill out and do nothing sometimes! That quote of the day Pam put on the ATSB a couple of days ago, the "rest is not idleness" one, I actually HAVE written it on a card and I', using it as a bookmark in my journal. :D

The thing with me is, I feel like I lost so may years when I could have been writing that I have to make up for that lost time and use every precious minute.

[billy-shriner.livejournal.com]

The thing with me is, I feel like I lost so may years when I could have been writing that I have to make up for that lost time and use every precious minute.

So what got you into writing... and what made you so *strict* with yourself? Did you always want to write but were never confident to pick up a pen?

I've always had this feeling that I've wanted to write something (not necessarily be a writer - you know how people want to be *writers* - I never had that feeling, of I did, it was very slight - I suppose I thought I'd be crap at it, so waved off that idea). I've never been good with diaries etc. but I don't know what it is.

I just sometimes would have to doodle on a notepad, because I felt I wanted to write. But back then, before I knew about fanfiction, I didn't have a clue about what to write... so hence I'd doodle, or write a list or something. But I never really put two and two together and thought I wanted to *write* - does that make sense?

So I found fanfiction, and it really seems to have scratched that itch! :D

So what about you? What did you do before you wrote?

[beckyblack]

So what got you into writing... and what made you so *strict* with yourself? Did you always want to write but were never confident to pick up a pen?

Yep, this, confidence. Then when I got on the net I started reading fanfiction and realised here was a way one could share stories in a fairly safe way (showing stories to actual real life people is still scary) So I started writing the fanfiction, enjoyed it, and got more serious about it after a year or two and made it the focus. Weirdly, the writing and going on Atkins started at the same time, end of 2003, and the two helped each other, as I suceeded at both! So they'll always be linked for me. (The Fic diet! Writing makes you thin!) Heh, it was like the one gave me the confidence for the other and vice versa, since it was th first time I'd been successful at losing weight.

Before I started writing actual prose I wrote a billion notes. I had these two epic stories, that I've let go now. Though some bits of them pop up elsewhere. You've met several of the characters from them already, suitably adapted. :D And the bunny for this year's NaNo is stripped from one of them. (They were so epic there were enough "sub plot" to make several novels!)

[billy-shriner.livejournal.com]

(showing stories to actual real life people is still scary)

oh god, yes!!!!

Wow you've been writing for 5 years :D

[beckyblack]

Well, about four and a half.

[billy-shriner.livejournal.com]

I can't quite remember for me, then I remember NaNo 2006 :D so I started around the spring/summer of 2006. I think I posted on the ATSB June/July time - so 2 years for me :D

[ostarella.livejournal.com]

I think there's a difference between being organized in doing the things you *love* and being organized just because it's "expected" or because (as when my folks were ill) it was necessity. I haven't thrown out my goals spreadsheet, for example :D But I'm not going to worry if I mow the grass on Friday instead of on Tuesday, just because Tuesday was too nice a day ;-)

[beckyblack]

I need to learn to be like that last bit. But you know, the laundry must be done on Saturday, so I can iron on Sunday... that sort of thing rules my life.

[ostarella.livejournal.com]

Well, you got me doing spreadsheets - maybe I can talk you into doing laundry on Monday, and iron on Thursday. :D

[beckyblack]

Ironing on Thursday? What kind of anarchist are you, you crazy woman? :D

[billy-shriner.livejournal.com]

lol! Sorry - had to laugh at you two. Ironing? What woman does that this day and age :D