Walter Mitty Reimagined...

Sleep, that is. Over the last 24 hours, I slept for all but about five of them. I could not stay awake. I'd get up for a bit, do some wandering over the internet, and then find my eyes closing. Finally woke up about 7:30 this morning and actually felt like I was fully awake. I guess all the stresses of the last few weeks/months caught up with me. I know I feel much more clear-headed than I've felt for a long, long time. Which has allowed me to think about a variety of things and come to terms with them. I also need to make some hard decisions about where my life is and where I want it to go. I know there are going to be things happening that I won't like and that will be hard to deal with - but I used to be able to deal with those and now I'm going to have to pull myself up and do that again. There are also things I've wanted to do but have felt like doing them was either out of reach or out of my control - and now I know I have to look hard at them, decide if I really, truly, want to do them - and if so, start figuring out how to get them. Take them out of the "wishful thinking" realm and put them firmly into reality.

Ironically, I think it's been the things that have been out of my control that made me realize that I need to firmly take control of the other things, not think that life as a whole is spinning on its own axis and I'm just along for the (hell)ride.

I should sleep for a day more often, I guess.

Well, did it again. Dead tired, went to bed - slept 4.5 hours. I thought maybe today I'd have better luck - decided to actually go upstairs, sleep in a real bed with pillow (and blanket since it's COLD today) instead of just flopping down on the couch like I normally do. But it didn't help. So now I'm just going to diddle around, take a shower, and hope that I don't suddenly need to sleep just as it's time to leave for work - which is what usually happens on days like this. Oh well.

I am getting into a bit of routine now that I've reconciled myself to certain facts of life. Like, Wednesdays and Saturdays are Waste Days. Meaning, I get home at 8 in the morning and have to (try) to get at least six hours sleep before going to work at 9 that night. So, no heavy duty chores, and nothing that takes a great deal of time or thought, and nothing that can't be interrupted if the sleep mode suddenly kicks in. Which means basically diddling around on the computer or watching tv or reading (although that tends to put me to sleep). It's maddening when there's stuff I really want to get done but my mind/body just won't deal with anything else. The other days are okay because I don't have work on both 'ends' of the day.

Good thing I'm not working full time. I can't decide if I've suddenly become a wuss or if it's just a combination of shift, physical labor and age. A year off from that kind of work certainly hasn't helped any. I almost applied for a similar position in another town, with the hours in the evening instead of overnight and not so many - but it's another 10 miles commuting distance (1 way) which means another 20-30 minutes commute each day and I don't need that.

I just really need to find another job where the physical and mental stress isn't so great. I'm just soooo tired of listening to people bitch about each other - and then having managers come around acting like everyone's just been goofing off when, in fact, we've been working our asses off. The last two nights I worked we got *everything* done and ONE manager actually said something appreciative. But we keep getting compared to other areas in grocery and general merchandising - and they don't have to downstack their own pallets or sort for the aisles themselves. Plus they get help when they need it - nobody wants to work frozen so, on those rare occasions when we do get help, the people work slowly or suddenly disappear. And if we do get freight done with time to do all the zoning - we end up being sent elsewhere to help out and THEN they want us to finish zoning after that. Like WTF????

I certainly do my fair share of bitching about work, don't I? :p I guess it's just not the way I expected things to be. Or maybe because it is. I was uneasy about going to work there right from the start, just because of the whole 'cultish' atmosphere. And that's still there - everything is so artificial. The managers act like cheerleaders during the nightly meetings and then turn into bastards during the night. Guess it's just been a long time since I dreaded seeing management come around.

See - this is what happens when I don't get enough sleep. Everything's a bitch...