Decisions made...
Feb. 21st, 2011 04:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ostarellaI've been doing a lot of reading lately. Some fiction (horror mainly) but mostly books on or about writing. And I discovered something that has been of the greatest help. And Billy - this is a book you should get if at all possible.
"Spider, Spin Me a Web: Lawrence Block on Writing Fiction" (it's a Writers Digest book, copyright 1988). It's highly readable, funny, and full of plain common sense. But the thing that got to me was the chapter on procrastination. He states, in essence, that procrastinating is simply a way we find of not facing our fears - fears that what we write won't be good enough, that our writing will "prove" we are as useless as we fear, or even that successful writing will destroy (or at least, wreak havoc) on our lives as we know them. He then goes on to say that forcing ourselves to write without addressing those fears will not work.
Then he stated something that I needed to hear, badly:
"The answer consists not in making ourselves write but in allowing ourselves to write." (pg 136)
This has been my problem. I have been making myself write and end up tossing everything out. Garbage. Total garbage. And in the back of my mind, what I've been hearing is "If you don't get this finished - and soon - you will never write anything worth reading again." Or "If you don't get further with this - and soon - you will never get anything published." Or "If you don't do this, you will fail; if you don't do that, you will fail. No matter what you do, you will fail."
"You are a failure."
The pressure I was putting on myself, along with self-imposed deadlines I didn't meet (read: couldn't meet), was taking all the joy out of writing. Taking away the excitement of creativity. I was so focused on the goal that I forgot about the journey. It was, in fact, like a trip I took to Vancouver a few years ago. On the way out, I took the fastest (and most boring) route, just because I wanted to get there. On the way back, I took the scenic route instead, and I enjoyed the journey ten times as much.
So that's what I need to do now - think about the journey and not (as much) the goal. I need to relax and let it unfold - and eventually I will reach my goals. I just have to let myself - allow myself - to enjoy writing again. I will, some day in the near future, be published. I am confident of that. I'm not afraid of going through the rejection process (as that's already happened a couple of times). I know that if I allow myself to write the stories I enjoy, I will get published. Because that enjoyment will come through. And that's why what I've been writing of late has been garbage. Because my attitude of "I have to write this!" has come through.
So I'm going to re-read Covenant and get back into that story - back into it as enjoyment, not as "OMG WHY ISN'T THIS DONE YET!?!?" And I'm putting "Touch of Time" aside because I have a horror story that intrigues me more. I'm going to write what excites me again. I'm going to be the writer who enjoys writing again. And if it takes a little longer to get things done, so be it.
I enjoy long journeys.
"Spider, Spin Me a Web: Lawrence Block on Writing Fiction" (it's a Writers Digest book, copyright 1988). It's highly readable, funny, and full of plain common sense. But the thing that got to me was the chapter on procrastination. He states, in essence, that procrastinating is simply a way we find of not facing our fears - fears that what we write won't be good enough, that our writing will "prove" we are as useless as we fear, or even that successful writing will destroy (or at least, wreak havoc) on our lives as we know them. He then goes on to say that forcing ourselves to write without addressing those fears will not work.
Then he stated something that I needed to hear, badly:
"The answer consists not in making ourselves write but in allowing ourselves to write." (pg 136)
This has been my problem. I have been making myself write and end up tossing everything out. Garbage. Total garbage. And in the back of my mind, what I've been hearing is "If you don't get this finished - and soon - you will never write anything worth reading again." Or "If you don't get further with this - and soon - you will never get anything published." Or "If you don't do this, you will fail; if you don't do that, you will fail. No matter what you do, you will fail."
"You are a failure."
The pressure I was putting on myself, along with self-imposed deadlines I didn't meet (read: couldn't meet), was taking all the joy out of writing. Taking away the excitement of creativity. I was so focused on the goal that I forgot about the journey. It was, in fact, like a trip I took to Vancouver a few years ago. On the way out, I took the fastest (and most boring) route, just because I wanted to get there. On the way back, I took the scenic route instead, and I enjoyed the journey ten times as much.
So that's what I need to do now - think about the journey and not (as much) the goal. I need to relax and let it unfold - and eventually I will reach my goals. I just have to let myself - allow myself - to enjoy writing again. I will, some day in the near future, be published. I am confident of that. I'm not afraid of going through the rejection process (as that's already happened a couple of times). I know that if I allow myself to write the stories I enjoy, I will get published. Because that enjoyment will come through. And that's why what I've been writing of late has been garbage. Because my attitude of "I have to write this!" has come through.
So I'm going to re-read Covenant and get back into that story - back into it as enjoyment, not as "OMG WHY ISN'T THIS DONE YET!?!?" And I'm putting "Touch of Time" aside because I have a horror story that intrigues me more. I'm going to write what excites me again. I'm going to be the writer who enjoys writing again. And if it takes a little longer to get things done, so be it.
I enjoy long journeys.
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no subject
Date: 2011-02-21 10:40 pm (UTC)I've been going through a bit of that "have to write" thing with Last Mile, feeling a pressure to get it out of the door, even though in my heart I'd probably prefer to be using that particular time on A Man to Watch 41. Even though that's got a certain pressure to it to, to get that out there too, I'm more excited about that so definitely want to write it rather than feeling I have to.
But at least they are side projects. The main stuff is all still exciting me and none of it feels like a burden right now. I do tend to think a lot about the goal and the endpoint, but I'm learning more patience too, to let things take as long as they need to take.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-21 10:49 pm (UTC)I've been thinking about this horror story and I think that's what really made Block's comment hit home so strongly - because I could feel this urge, this excitement, to start on that. Even though I have a lot of learning to do about the genre, even that excites me. Instead of looking at a blank page in desperation, I look at it in anticipation and excitement.
It's so nice to feel that again!
no subject
Date: 2011-02-21 11:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-21 11:13 pm (UTC)The procrastination thing could be true too (for me a little). My RSI has also flared up, so have had to stay away from my PC and there is no point picking up pen and paper, because that will just aggravate my arm too.
Will check the book out though. I like all the self help I can get :-P I've been reading lots too. Sometimes that makes me feel more inadequate lol!
no subject
Date: 2011-02-21 11:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-22 06:53 am (UTC)I should try it sometimes. It seems like a weird way to write, but needs must! Some writers dictated their novels to a secretary after all. I'd be too self conscious for that!
no subject
Date: 2011-02-22 11:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-22 05:13 pm (UTC)That's why I'm not sure how Windows has voice recognition software... How do I search? Will it be in Vista?
no subject
Date: 2011-02-22 05:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-22 07:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-22 05:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-22 05:11 pm (UTC)Covenant
Date: 2011-06-19 08:30 pm (UTC)This is my first posting in Live Journal. I was so excited to find you on here after being a fan of your Ateam Fanfiction. I'm so happy that you are still intending to finish Covenant as it has been one of my all time favourite fanfictions. I first read it back in June/July of last year, couldn't stop reading it and ending up going to bed at 6.00 am before getting up at 8.00 am for work!
I can't wait!
Re: Covenant
Date: 2011-06-19 08:41 pm (UTC)Re: Covenant
Date: 2011-06-19 08:45 pm (UTC)Re: Covenant
Date: 2011-06-19 08:51 pm (UTC)