ostarella: (Tired)
[personal profile] ostarella
Some may think it's silly, but the death of Davy Jones kinda hit me hard. Not that I was a fangirl or anything (I preferred Mike Nesmith, actually) but I did really like the Monkees and their songs. Yeah, it was a silly show but it was fun. Innocent. Hell, I was ten when it first aired, so why not?

But it was a reminder of things passing - and at my age, who needs more, right? Especially when one considers that he died of a heart attack, age 66, vegetarian, with a very recent clean bill of health. Brings the whole uncertainty thing down on top of one like a ton of bricks.

I've been one of those people who live each day one at a time, mainly because so many of my plans ended up in the dirt, no matter how hard I tried to work them out. Now, I'm finding myself in a quandary of sorts. Do I live each day knowing no one is guaranteed a tomorrow, or do I make plans because no one knows how many days they have left? I know it sounds like they're the same, but they're not really. The first is not worrying about tomorrow, the second is trying to get as much done in whatever time is left.

Or maybe I'm just depressed because another person from my childhood is gone and there seem to be so few good people left.

Date: 2012-03-02 04:04 pm (UTC)
beckyblack: (Default)
From: [personal profile] beckyblack
I know I felt similarly last year after the deaths of Steve Jobs and Andy Whitfield (the actor who was playing Spartacus in the TV series). One, incredibly rich, able to get the best medical treatment in the world, including a liver transplant, but still cancer killed him young. The other not even 40, very physically fit. Not as rich as Jobs of course, but still with access to all modern healthcare could provide, yet dead within a year of his lymphoma diagnosis. Made me very conscious that cancer can get you whoever you are.

My mother died young too, at only 52, and she wasn't even a smoker. I'm definitely on the making the most of the time I have side, and yes, making plans ahead. I don't assume I'm going to drop dead tomorrow, I try to assume I'll have time to fulfil my plans. But I make the plans becasue otherwise I'll drift along and the years will flash by with nothing to show for them.

Date: 2012-03-02 04:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ostarella.livejournal.com
But I make the plans becasue otherwise I'll drift along and the years will flash by with nothing to show for them.

I think that's my problem, really. A mild panic, thinking I've tossed away so much of my life already, wondering if I'll have time to do the things I really want to do. I think that 'live day to day' thing came about because I just gave up, with all the grand (and even not so grand) plans I had blowing up. Even on those ambitious days, when I start doing things I've wanted to, the first stumbling block, however stupidly small, sets me back.

I keep thinking about Thoreau's "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them." I don't want to be one of them, but sometimes I just feel like the song's been beaten out of me.

Ah well. Maybe I just need a good drunk and then move on...

Date: 2012-03-02 06:50 pm (UTC)
beckyblack: (Default)
From: [personal profile] beckyblack
I've come to terms with the time that's past. Can't get it back so no sense in wasting time thinking about it. Better to use that time working on things I can change.

Start small

Date: 2012-03-02 07:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blade-and-roses.livejournal.com
I've recently been thinking the same thing -- because by this time in life, I intended to have achieved certain career and life goals and purchased certain material things like a house. My plans also blew up, because of economic issues and other influences, but I've decided to just not bother about the past, or current circumstances. I can't alter time (although the power to do so would be nice!). I can't change many current circumstances where control is in the hands of others -- the economy won't speed up on my sayso and I have no influence over certain decisions being made about where I work.

What I can do, is change MY circumstances. I can make plans that are for me alone, make me the priority, and then go out achieve them. The best advice I can give is from something I was told last fall by a very successful person, who started with nothing in mid-life and built a business on will alone. She said -- start small. Pick something easy to accomplish, and do it. Your mind realizes you achieved something. Then after a few more easy wins, go for something a little harder, and when you hit a speedbump remind yourself you achieved other things -- and drive over the bump. Then keep building up. Good luck! (I'll be a cheering squad if you need one, to help you start.)

Re: Start small

Date: 2012-03-02 07:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ostarella.livejournal.com
Thanks. That makes a lot of sense. Mainly because one of my biggest problems (and it's due to ongoing depression) is that I tend to get overwhelmed when I hit those speed bumps. I start looking at the big picture and how just how big it is... then I look at what I haven't gotten done, and how far it's pushed me back in reaching my goals, and... I give up. And thus it all ties in with the living one day at a time, make no plans, yada yada yada. I get into that mode and it's terrifically hard to step back and just look at what I can accomplish today - that leads toward tomorrow's goal.

So I guess it's do what I can today. If I die tomorrow, at least I accomplished something.

Date: 2012-03-02 10:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] billy-shriner.livejournal.com
My husband, especially recently, got shitty with me and my attitude about living for today.

He is chucking money away for the 'future'. And I'm a little, let's live it now while we're young enough. (I've got a kitchen that needs replacing and I'd like it now, not in 20 years time... it won't happen now, unless I sell a book J K Rowling style!)

Okay - you're not old in 50s/60s if you keep yourself fit. And he may well live till he's 93 (and onwards) like his Grandad, but at the same time... he may well get hit by a bus tomorrow (I am currently praying on this one - would make my life so much easier lol!)

So, keep yourself fit and strong, but who knows what the future holds. ;-)

Hasn't really answered your question, has it?

Date: 2012-03-02 10:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ostarella.livejournal.com
Hasn't really answered your question, has it?

Not really ;)

But I think that's where I'm caught - between the grasshopper and the ant, as it were. Regretting being the grasshopper so much, and yet having been the ant end up so badly so often.

Adding another facet to the whole problem is that I just really haven't reconciled to being on my own. I was a caretaker for so long - parents, then son, then parents again - and then suddenly all that was gone. I don't really feel like I have any purpose any more. I can have goals for myself, but so many times I find myself feeling that if I don't make them, so what? Who's going to care, other than me? And if I make them, same thing - who cares?

Gawd. I do need a drink. Or ten. Or...

Date: 2012-03-02 10:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] billy-shriner.livejournal.com
It won't quote your drink comment! Gah!

I want to say... You've been hanging around us Brits too long.

But, hey, maybe you do need to get yourself out there, meet people etc.

We do care. BTW ;-) I don't like it when you're quiet. I do worry.

Date: 2012-03-02 10:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ostarella.livejournal.com
Yeah, I have been staying in my cave a bit more the last few months. Gotten a bit gun-shy, I guess.

Well, spring's coming, so maybe just getting outside more will improve my outlook. Or I could just start spouting off on here instead of saying "Oh, it's not worth the bother..." Won't you be sorry then? LOL

Date: 2012-03-02 10:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] billy-shriner.livejournal.com
I would like to add, like JFM said, plans are good, stops you ambling along.

And I'm not saying don't prepare for a future... but you need to live a little too. When you're a lot older I can imagine it will get harder to do some things, so you're better off getting them done while you're young lol!

I've always thought of my house as my future. Especially as I don't work like my husband does, so can't contribute to a pension. I have one (well four now) but they won't give me huge amounts - but the house can be sold and downsized etc. So a little bit of living for now and saving for later.

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